Helium, News

Zoom Vampires Are Taking Over!

By Doktor Waffeln

A new pandemic is upon us! While Covid might be all over the news, the real, more lethal, and very contagious disease to watch out for is Zoom Vampirism! This highly dangerous new virus is sweeping the nation. As of yet, no known cures or vaccines have  even been attempted, making this issue a national priority.

I, Doktor Waffeln, first suspected Zoom Vampirism as a possibility in the school of Abraham Joshua Heschel in the city of New York, when I noticed that over 75% of students did not have their cameras on. My first instinct was to disregard this coincidence, but my multitude of online doctorates and vast knowledge of mythical lore knew that there was something sinister going on.

Students with cameras off, or only showing half their screens, are going through a metamorphosis known to most vampires as “teething.” This is when a vampire first develops a desire for blood and their vicious fangs begin to crown. If any student ever says that their camera is “broken” or hides their lower face from view, I, Doctor Waffeln, would advise you to start preparing.

So what can you do to protect yourself from the army of satanic bloodsuckers that is most certainly waiting in the shadows planning to kill you? This is a very good question. I, Doktor Waffeln, would advise you to gather the essentials in a satchel by the door.

The essentials include one relatively long spear (between 6-9 feet is preferable in this case) and the purest form of garlic powder harvested in the high mountains of my homeland, Albania. (I usually get this from my good friend and traveling merchant, Herr von Pfannkuchen, but you can also find it at any local co-op or Trader Joes.)

However, it is most important to always make sure you carry a turtleneck sweater with you. What is the reasoning for this? If you cover your neck in wool of the sheep, you are preventing any vampires with wool allergies from going for your blood. 

Of course, as everyone knows, fully fledged vampires cannot be recorded by a camera. Therefore, if any student wants to prove their humanity, they should leave their Zoom cameras on for the remainder of the school year!Check out my book: Monster Cookbook on all streaming platforms and email me at iluvharrystiles@gmail.com for more information.

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