Helium

Central America Secedes from the Americas

By Jared Levy ‘23, Sports Editor, and Caleb Friedman ‘23, Staff Writer

After a heated diplomatic summit regarding comments made by the High Grand Supreme Dictator-For-Life of FEDNA (FedEration of Da North America), the Exalted Ruler Monarch Majesty of FEDCBA (FedEration of Da Central America – the B doesn’t stand for anything but it makes the acronym look so much cooler) decided to leave the Americas and became its own independent continent. The Exalted Ruler Monarch made the decision after an embarrassing encounter with the leader of FEDNA. The High Grand Supreme Dictator-For-Life reportedly mentioned a foreign leader named Joe, to which the Exalted Ruler Monarch Majesty asked “Who is Joe?” While cackling maniacally, the High Grand Supreme Dictator-For-Life responded, “Joe Mama.” 

After this earth-shattering interaction, The Exalted Ruler Monarch Majesty immediately flew home and planned the secession. According to a source who refused to be named for fear of being blown into oblivion, the Exalted Ruler Monarch Majesty amassed so many bombs that he could “turn the Panama Canal into the Panama Hole-On-The-Map”. In a stroke of genius, he  bombed the Panama Canal, therefore freeing Central America from the rest of the Americas. The world will never know how he came to this conclusion, but Central America was pushed out into the Pacific Ocean and is now drifting towards Japan. 

In sadder news, the bombs used to form the separation had significant enviromental effects: the Galapagos Tortoise is now extinct. An esteemed scientist said, “this is the biggest ‘L’ the environment has taken since we lost the dinosaurs.” Additionally, there is now a massive hole where Central America used to be. Another side effect is the inevitable destruction of the human race, as Central America lacks any tectonic plates and is floating aimlessly in the ocean. It seems as if the new nation will crash into every land mass around the globe, causing mass extinction events worldwide. The Exalted Ruler Monarch Majesty said, “What even are tectonic plates? That scientist is capping. He should watch out for the hella bombs I have yo.” Two days after this statement, the scientist died of unknown causes. 

Central America is now its own continent due to a “Joe Mama” joke, and humanity has fifteen days until its demise. The High Grand Supreme Dictator-For-Life of FEDNA reportedly said, “It was worth it.” 

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