Helium

Goblin Haunts the Student Lounge Vending Machine

By Elizabeth Ciment ‘24, Staff Writer

There is a goblin living under the vending machine. His name is Dave and he really likes Cheesy Doodles. Now, I know that he doesn’t sound very menacing right now, but trust me, Dave is thoroughly frightening. He is gray and covered in spikes and moles. His teeth are black and cracked, and his lips are red, peeling, and covered in cheese powder. Dave’s claim to fame, besides the fact that he is an honorary faculty member at Heschel, is that he is the distant cousin of the famous troll that lives under the bridge in fairy tales. 

Our story really begins with a problem: Dave is addicted to anything resembling a cheese puff. Cheese crisps, cheese curls, cheese balls — you name it (his favorites are Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but alas they are not kosher and therefore not found in the Heschel vending machine). Thus, to satisfy his cravings, Dave lulls unsuspecting students into his lair underneath the vending machine and gives them a choice: buy out all the snacks in the vending machine so that cheese curls can be restocked sooner and Dave can steal them for himself, or refuse, and have bad luck befall the entire school. Most of the time students comply with his demands, but sometimes they do not… 

Remember all those missing lunches, insanely long tefillah periods, or truly terrible grade meetings? Those can all be accredited to Dave. Or, how about those “coincidental” moments when you think to yourself that the heavens must really hate you. For example, pulling your mask down for just a second to drink water in the hall and that teacher just happens to pass by and tells you that perhaps your mask is too big, but we all know what they mean. Or, when you theoretically go into an elevator and that teacher just happens to see you and 30 other theoretical students smushed in and yells at everyone to take the stairs. Yup, you guessed it, that was Dave too. 

Dave controls most of the bad luck that goes on in our school, so if you are ever having a particularly bad day, take a walk to the student lounge, and buy yourself a candy. Partially because candy makes everything better, but also by emptying the vending machine you are preventing more bad luck from befalling you and others. And don’t ask me if Dave exists, because he does. The proof is in the pudding for if a goblin isn’t actually living under our vending machine and coercing students, what else explains why our vending machine runs out so quickly? 

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