Helium

Heschel Adds Milk

By Caleb Friedman ‘23, Staff Writer and Jared Levy ‘23, Sports Editor

Milk: a smooth, high protein beverage straight from the udders of America’s finest. In their most recent attempt to enhance the Heschel experience, the administration changed all of the water fountains and water bottles to milk. Our sources have not uncovered what percent this milk is, but recent tests by Heschel’s resident “Milk Mogul,” junior Ariel Bregman have determined it to be somewhere between 2.38% and 3.245%.

Students have reportedly gotten so swole that the Physical Education (PE) curriculum has been disbanded entirely. Students no longer need to exercise as the population is just too physically fit from the absurd amounts of milk consumed. PE class is now a mandatory milk drinking period.

When asked what students who don’t like milk should do, an unnamed administrator said, “It’s milk. Everyone likes milk. It’s like water, but milk. I mean, who doesn’t like milk? It’s just milk, you know? Just milk. Everybody should like milk. In fact, name me someone who doesn’t like milk.” After naming several Heschel students who didn’t like milk, there were some suspicious milk-related absences the next day. Stay vigilant, Heschel, and drink your milk. 

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