Helium

Heschel Fellows, More like Heschel Felons

By Eliza Fisher ‘23, Editor-in-Chief and Sammy Fisher ‘25, Staff Writer

The Heschel halls usually feel like a safe space, but it’s hard to feel that way when two of Heschel’s most community-oriented faculty members are actively stealing from the school’s very own student body. 

Jewish and Student Life fellows Didi Kalmanofsky and Rachel Raven-Chabin are not the AirPod-saving saints they make themselves out as. These thieves must be stopped, and as reporters, it is our duty to alert our school of the threat posed by its employees. 

Utilizing the Heschelian approach of deep analysis and close reading, these faithful Fishers discovered the connection between the massive Heschel AirPod famine and the surplus of AirPods in the fellows’ office. We decided to dive in, swim around, maybe even do one of those pool handstands, to uncover the deeper meaning behind those emails. 

As of February 8, the Heschel School has received a total of 20 AirPod emails from delinquent Didi and rowdy Rachel. If these thieves ever need to participate in that name alliterative icebreaker when they get to prison, we just helped them out. They’re welcome. The number of missing AirPods alone is a red flag that may as well hang in the lounge adjacent to Madame Miranda Cosgrove. 

Raven-Chabin’s emphasis on money in an October email alludes to a certain compensation Raven-Chabin expects from students, even after stealing their AirPods. The email states, “It costs $0.00 to put your name or initials (or some kind of drawing) on the [AirPod] case with a Sharpie.” At first glance this seems like an innocent piece of advice, but at its core, it’s a theiled (thinly veiled) threat toward the people of Heschel. You will pay for allowing your AirPods to be stolen.  

Next, in an AirPod email, Kalmanofsky mentioned that, “These say MAXXIS on the case. So if you’re MAXXIS, come claim.” Everybody knows that MAXXIS is not a real name, and therefore not a student at Heschel. This is a code word. It stands for Madame Arby’s Xenophobic X(z)inger Is Super. This acronym may not seem to have anything to do with the case, but it does. Trust. 

Kalmanfosky is excited about something! How wonderful! It is actually not quite so. On October 6, Kalmanofsky wrote a rather chipper email using multiple exclamation points and the word “cheers.” Kalmanofsky is clearly excited about the fact that he has an up and coming stealing business. 

Kalmanofsky uses the word “frankly” in another AirPod email. “Frankly” equals Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra equals “New York, New York.” “New York, New York” equals “a helluva town.” Why would a faculty member use a swear word? They must be criminals. 

Kalmanofsky uses the phrase “Guess what? Once again, AirPods have made their way to this desk. I bet you did guess this.” Well guess what Kalmanofsky? We bet you didn’t guess that the Heschel Helios would uncover you and your partner in crime’s evil endeavors. Ha. 

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