Helium

Julian Anderson Becomes Heschel’s Newest Addition to the Faculty

By Sophie Gross ‘23, Staff Writer

Ever since English teacher Elana Anderson left Heschel to go on maternity leave, students and faculty have been speculating about who her temporary replacement will be. However, last night, Head of English Department Mari Tetzeli announced, in an email to the whole school, that it would be none other than Julian Anderson himself. During his two months of life so far, Elana has raised her son to the reading, writing, speaking, and comprehension proficiency of a graduate student. Tetzeli deemed Julian more qualified than other potential teaching candidates as he is also well versed in Heschel’s five commitments; he truly embodies “don’t be old, don’t be stale.” However, not all are happy about the appointment. In fact, some are calling nepotism; others are concerned regarding the beneficiary of Julian’s salary. 

Junior Tamar Lehon, a former student of Elana, shared her thoughts. She said, “I think it’s a wonderful thing, Julian becoming an educator. Julian is normalizing young scholars teaching older scholars. He is paving the way for more babies to join the workforce.” Sophomore Zeva Landa feels differently. She expressed, “this has got to be in violation of child labor laws. Babies should be babies! Our capitalist society is tricking people into working way more than they should! Free the babies!” 

Julian has thus far conducted two model lessons, one for freshmen and one for seniors. Both groups sing his praises. Julian arrived at the lessons dressed in a pair of khakis, a Boss Baby themed tie, and a pair of classic Jordan 1’s. According to freshman Jonah Gross, Julian was “dripping.” 

Julian will be taking over all of Elana’s classes, helping the freshmen finish their unit on the novel Catcher in the Rye, and the senior elective The Stories We Tell: Constructing Memory Through Literature. One class member remarked, “Yeah, Julian is an awesome teacher. Totally chill, he doesn’t talk too much or call on me. Definitely the best teacher I’ve ever had.” Elana is unfortunately unavailable for comment as she is busy spending her months off at the spa. 

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